The essential etiquette guide to modern life
Opposing gay marriage
Even on the right wing of the Conservative party, it is no longer considered appropriate to express horror at the idea of homosexuality. The modern mode is for such prejudice to be draped in legal arguments and camouflaged in pseudo-philosophy.
Thus anyone objecting to a law allowing gay couples to marry should affect to be entirely relaxed about the gayness of the matter and fixate instead on the technical question of marriage – how it is defined, where it can take place etc. The next step is to wonder whether priests and clerics from other religions should be obliged to officiate at gay weddings and whether, indeed, their freedom to refuse to do so is adequately protected. By this rhetorical sleight of hand, it becomes possible to present oneself as defending the rights of people who don't like gay marriage instead of the rights of gay people to get married. The bigot can thus be presented as the victim.
The correct term for an argument contorted in this way is "bone-headed", after Peter Bone, the Tory MP for Wellingborough who specialises in this rhetorical device. The unit for measuring the depth at which homophobia is buried in bone-headed quibbling is the Tebbit. The average level of bone-headedness on the Tory right is generally referred to as the Tebbit norm.
The art of not panicking
There is a famous old poster that dates from the Second World War (but was never used as public propaganda) urging citizens to "Keep Calm and Carry On". Several years ago, this artefact from a more stoical era found new nostalgic resonance and became fashionable, almost ubiquitous. At times of stress and anxiety – the aftermath of a terrorist attack, for example – it is tempting to deploy this motto. That temptation must be resisted. The "Keep Calm and Carry On" meme has been exhausted by overuse. This applies to all variants and subversions. There is no reworking or infusion of irony that can salvage it. Move on.
Talking about the weather in an era of climate change
May has been colder than usual – in other words, colder than people remember last May being and perhaps even the May before. It is customary under such circumstances to speculate about global warming. It is standard practice in this form of speculation to eschew any basis in science. It is also customary to confuse the relationship between weather, which is what is going on outside your window right now, and climate, which is the much bigger system enveloping the whole planet. Being in possession of any technical understanding of the way these two things interact means immediate disqualification from conversing on the subject.
Insulting people on Twitter
Since allegations of a specific nature, even when inferred cryptically, can be libellous, the safest and by far the most popular method for expressing an opinion about someone on Twitter is incoherent abuse.
Excitement about the Xbox 1
It is inconceivable to someone not already in possession of a games console that a new piece of hardware can provide any more gratification than whatever piece of equipment it was everyone was talking about before. Non-gamers find any discussion of games baffling and mildly alarming since they know it is probably culturally important in some way but have no grasp of how or why. Gamers should express their enthusiasm with sensitivity to this total lack of comprehension.
Revisionist spellings for names
The decision by Colleen and Wayne Rooney to name their second son Klay has provoked much snobbish derision. This is quite unjustified. There may have been a practical necessity in deploying the unconventional spelling, eliminating any danger of the child being mistaken for a type of soil, for example. The era of orthodox name spellings is over. Innovation and improvisation are entirely acceptable. In certain circumstances, when a traditional moniker feels unusually out of date and anachronistic, a degree of orthographic sprucing up is actually recommended. Thus, while technically incorrect, it may be preferable by the time of the next election to refer to the prime minister as Davyd Kamyron.
